Christmas Cake (an oldie but goodie)

Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK. Try another cup .... just in case .

Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick fruit off floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a s**t.

Check the vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat. Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

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Seen this?

December 1, 2003 (AP).

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a plane in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a hastily-called press conference, the Attorney General said he believesÊthe man is a member of the notorious al-Jebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

ÒAl-Jebra is a fearsome cult,Ó he said. ÒThey pursue their processes by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolutes. They use secret code names like ÒxÓ and ÒyÓ and refer frequently to ÒunknownsÓ. ÒBut as the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle. We have determined they belong to a common denominator of the Axis of co-eval with coordinates in every country.Ó

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, ÒIf God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.Ó

ÒI am gratified that our homeland defenders have given us a sine that they are protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,Ó the President said, adding: ÒUnder the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line.Ó

President Bush warned, ÒThese weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a higher power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.Ó Bush concluded: ÒTo al-Jebra, I say: Read my ellipse. Though you may continue to multiply, your days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around your necks.Ó